ive realized something.

sometimes people say they miss you, and you know they mean it.

and sometimes people say they miss you, and youre not really paying attention, so you belive them, and then when you reflect on it, you realize that they dont miss you at all, they miss an idea.

but not me.
when i tell someone i miss them, i really and truly miss them. and usually, even if its awkward, i really want to hug them or just touch them because i actually miss them, not the idea of them, and so i have to touch them to fully feel that i have them again.

i didnt get to touch anybody i missed really over the last few holidays, because i dont think they missed me too.

right. so.

x(as in greek letter for christ)mas was awesome.
i went the whole day w.o feeling depressed.
go me!
thats hard for me to do on a day off.

i spent it w. both of steves families,
plus mine, the barriles, and uncle rick.
it was nice.


i got some good stuff.

i think now that i know what sober looks like,

ive forgotten what being a good friend looks like.


it sucks hating the way you are to people.

wow.

so yeah its a reality now.


i had my psychiatric evaluation today, and congratulations!


i officially suffer from post-traumatic stress disorder.


nice.

imprecise speech is one of the major causes of mental illness in human beings.


the inability to correctly perceive reality is often responsible for humans' insane behavior. and every time they substitute an all-purpose, sloppy slang word for the words that would accurately describe an emotion or a situation, it lowers their reality orientations, pushes them farther from shore, out onto the foggy waters of alienation and confusion.



when a person says a movie is 'neat,' does he mean that it's funny or tragic or thrilling or romantic, does he mean that the cinematography is beautiful, the acting heartfelt, the script intelligent, the direction deft, or the leading lady has cleavage to die for?

slang possesses an economy, an immediacy that's attractive, all right, but it devalues experience by standardizing and fuzzing it. it hangs between humanity and the real world like a veil.

slang just makes people more stupid, that's all, and stupidity eventually makes them crazy.

getting overly stoked.,

Thu, Sep 29:

ROME FIUMICINO, ITALY (FCO) Departs: 12:10pm
MUNICH, GERMANY (MUC) Arrives: 1:50pm

Flight Time: 1 hours and 40 minutes



MUNICH, GERMANY (MUC) Departs: 3:20pm
CHICAGO OHARE, IL (ORD) Arrives: 6:15pm

Flight Time: 9 hours and 55 minutes



CHICAGO OHARE, IL (ORD) Departs: 7:50pm
SPOKANE, WA (GEG) Arrives: 9:53pm

Flight Time: 4 hours and 3 minutes


so yeah, between 6:15 and 7:50 i will be making some calls.
mostly to you.
maybe my parents.

blah. importante.

im a depressed anxious panicky loser who misses her family, home, her friends, her boyfriend, her job, and the like too much.

i cant hack it in europe without my fam, or at least normal non gonzaga people.

so yep im coming home early.




probably will be taking this first semester off. im a loser. i know it.

but im not embarassed. and its a 10day vacation in Germany, plus 2 weeks in italy so its sweet.


SEE YOU ALL SOON!

i like this boy.

a whole lot.


im starting to freak out. about leaving. missing work. (who does that?) the boy. home. leaving. leaving. leaving.


im starting to have mini panic attacks. and im starting to get my period. and the boy.





seth was here. lizzy was here. they kissed each other. in front of me. weird.

luther is really good.
creepy toy story is really good.
snuggling with you is really good.





i dont feel safe when your arms arent around me. i feel like im gonna fall off the cliff.





james i havent left yet. dont worry ill call you. soon. i promise. i hope.

hi

so i feel like my life is totally out of control.

i work about 7or8 hours a day basically every day.

when im not working my parents are getting mad at me because i havent planned anything for my 4month trip to italy that i leave for in 13days. basically all i have is a plane ticket. havent started packing, my computers broken, havent picked out luggage, havent bought about a million trillion little necessities ill need.

on top of that my cars still a little messed up from portland and i havent taken it to the shop yet, i was supposed to get tested for ADD at the beginning of the summer, and still havent done that, not to mention the operation i have to have to make sure that im not infertile (oh yeah did i not tell anyone that my doctors think i might be? great...).



its not that all i do is hang out with steve and blow of all my responsibilities, its that hey! a telephone works both ways, and hey! not everything is about you, and hey! im only human, and oh i dont know. i like him so much and im so scared of leaving and not because of him, because hes the one thing i feel like wont change.


ugh i have to get ready for work, i have to leave in twenty minutes and i just woke up and am still in my underwear.



im tired of loving everyone and having it still not be good enough.

ive seen so many shooting stars lately.
i like it.


you know you really like someone when you cant stop smiling while they kiss you.

drama

is it better to be emotionally stable, or to have all your drama right out in the open?



when youre constantly surrounded by people with their hearts on their sleeves, its easy to fade into the background.


im starting to think that all my hard work at making myself emotionally unavailable (on the surface at least), is backfiring.

like the time at chris and gregs, when i was super bummed about my fight with evan, and i started crying alone in khalids room to heather and mo. i was all away from untrusting eyes, with my two best friends, and after crying for like a minute, i made myself stop and knew it wasnt worth it. but thats not healthy. to not be able to cry in front of the people you trust the most...

but i guess id rather that. that than the time when i was so upset with james. i bawled my eyes out on giselles bed and c-las and giselle and everyone was just so afraid for me because i was crying so hard you could visibly see my heart breaking. and when james finally came and talked to me, i was so embarassed and so hurt, that i vowed to really never cry in front of anyone again.



i really cant do this anymore. i know why i dont want to go to italy. im tired of not having a best friend right there with me who knows everything and doesnt need to be self-involved all the time and who doesnt need me to explain everything. i knew this summer was gonna be hard but i did not anticipate missing people knowing my life story.



im mostly just scared, ok? its not a nice life story. there is no happy ending. there is no moral. it isnt all ok. im happy, but im scared. and even if i tell him, and even if he understands, im still leaving in a month, and im still going to a crazy face new place and ill have to find someone new and start all over again.

i wish i was still young and unbroken and naive and stupid and big mouthed and unable to keep secrets and told everyone too much information well before they need it. sometimes i wish i still thought being fucked up was cool.

so...

why does cleaning out your ears always make you sneeze?

im tired of being misunderstood

and

im tired of having no one to talk to.

this morning ive been procrastinating getting ready for work so bad, that i actually checked my facebook.








lets do something crazy fun tonight, bowling, roller skating, drunk cranium, drunk drunk drunk? im sorry, im out of control.


ps. i have two amazingly awesome bruises from skateboarding. which basically means i ate shit really bad at the skate park and 12 yr old boys laughed at me.

remember

im a writer. right?

remember when i thought i was gonna take a creative writing class at the falls or GU this summer? yeah glad i actually followed through with that.

remember when i carried that journal around with me everywhere and was constantly writing new poems and making everyone listen to them and revising revising revising and revealing my inner most secrets to you?



lack of fucking inspiration or my own fear that i cant write?

I'm so off the hook


I'm a dial tone.

i love the smell of summer fires.

it smells so strong out by my house. mmmmm yum.



i also like the look the smoke makes on the mountains driving out indian trail to my house. its all hazy and soft and pretty.

i am human and i need to be loved.

some kid came into the store yesterday wearing a smiths shirt and i was like oh come on morrissey is old and fat and needs to get over himself.


ugh i hate depressed people. seriously. being depressed is so self-indulgent. like i understand why some people are depressed, like josh, and my brother, but there are other people who have sat and taken the time to explain to me why they are so upset all the time and im embarassed for them because they are wasting their lives.



being happy is so much cooler, healthier, more fun, and yep im only attracted to happy people. its part of my plan to live the best life ever.

get behind the wheel, stay in front of the storm

i accomplished a lot today.






when i was driving home i almost called him, but instead i just turned the music up louder and snapped a rubber band.

since when do i pick bright eyes over sex?



i must really be changing.



girls really shouldnt call boys.
if boys want to talk to you, theyll call you.
i promise.








I'd like to sing to you if you'd like me to
I'd like to sing to you if you'd like me to
I'd like to sing, sing, sing, sing, sing to you
Alone

And I'd like to dance with you if you'd like me to
I'd like to dance with you if you'd like me to
I'd like to dance, dance, dance, dance, dance with you
Alone

I'd like to sleep with you if you'd like me to
I'd like to sleep with you if you'd like me to
I'd like to sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep with you
Alone

you know those days where you just want to listen to music you dont know and dont know the lyrics to? yeah today was one of those days.


when i closed my eyes driving home tonight i felt like i was running over ghosts.





my heart belonged to paper
like songs were going to save me...

boo to being in love.

fuck man.


dont you hate when your ex boyfriend sends you a song because he says he knows youll love it and then you say "chris i doubt you know whats right up my alley these days" and he makes you take it anyway,


and then you listen to it ten hours later when you finally give in,


and you actually fucking like it!? god dammit!



im not in love with him anymore, in fact he bugs the shit out of me most of the time, and you know why?
because he still knows me so well.



anyway, listen to this song, its dope!

Architecture In Helsinki : it 5

BBQs are pointless...

if youre a vegetarian. which i am.
and have been for 4yrs. i dont even think about it anymore.
but ive been invited to like oh i dont know 5or6 barbeques lately and then people are like "oh but youre a vegetarian", like i have some terminal illness
and maybe i wont get enough to eat.
in which case, i would probably go to zips and eat a tub of fries with tartar sauce. yum.




this afternoon i saw the clouds kiss.

She don't think straight
She's got such a dirty mind and it never ever stops...


i worked over time again at zumiez, but this time i actually got to take my ten. a cute boy works at zumiez, he has a cute nickname. a cute boy has been sending me text messages. theyre both tall and real skinny. did i mention they were cute? im so dumb.


when i drove home from melanies house at 1am, i sang real loud to the arcade fire and danced alone in my car.

A couple more for breakfast
A little more for tea
Just to take the edge off


Move along, there's nothing left to see
Just a body, pouring down the street.

blah blah blah.

when something you have loved since before you knew what love was begins to die, you lose those bits of hope and orange peel around your heart that you thought you were clinging on to, but that you now realize matter little if they are there or not.





something i like about my best friend james isaacs:
i can make him download all the stupid GI Joe voice overs and dissect the past three seasons of degrassi with me at 3am when he just wants to sleep because its his birthday, and he'll stay on the phone way longer than he wants to because he knows that when i need him i just need him and he doesnt care.




oh also, i saw three black cats while driving home sometime last week, and since
A. i believe in premonitions
and
B. i have had bad luck with seeing black cats in the past

im hoping there isn't more bad shit coming in my june.

today was my first official day of work at good old zumiez in good old northtown mall.

three interesting tidbits:
1. a mom bought her 12yr old son $60 sunglasses. WHAT THE FUCK?

2. a mom bought her 10yr old son Corona flip floops. WHAT THE FUCK?

3. there was a barnes and noble bag in the backroom, and the book in it was titled "Kama Sutra For Her". i started laughing and turned to my co-worker Lance and said "who went to barnes and noble?" and he said, "me". HAHAHAHAHHAHA AWWWWKWARD MUCH?






"i'm like a balloon, and unless someone is holding on to my string, i just sort of float away."




i need to know if we're still making useless progress...

for some reason i felt the need to go read a couple old short pieces i had written early in the spring, march sometime i guess.


i miss writing, i miss my writing. i miss being inspired, i miss being forced.

i dont want to just sit in spokane all day staring at my journal waiting to be used and me talking myself out of it before my pen has even hit the page.


i have so many great lines that just come to me out of nowhere, and i compose whole letters and poems in my head while trying to fall asleep, but i never write any of them down because what if i try and i fail? what if im not as good as i think? what if this whole thing is a waste and just when i think ive found my one true talent, im wrong.


im tired of being let down. so many things and so many people disappoint me, but i cant let fleeting moments and irrelevant people keep me from enjoying the, for the most part, pure bliss that is my life.



im simultaneously one step ahead and two feet behind you,
i cant ever quite catch up.
and for now i dont think its worth trying,
i dont think youll ever really know me.

no im totally serious.

so tonight, even though there was that random hour long storm, (during which hella trees where blown down all over my neighborhood, sundance is a mess), kali, amy and i decided to rent a movie and go to annies and watch.

i decided i really wanted to see Saw, because even though its a cheesy scary movie, i knew i would still get scared and i LOVE LOVE LOVE getting scared/scary movies. plus amy said it was real good.

so we rent the movie, watch it, i get scared, it ends lamely, and by the time its over we've all laughed so hard that its not really scary anymore. until kali drops me off at my car at panda express and i have to drive home alone in the dark.

but its ok, im chill, im just like whatever, youll be fine, go home go to bed (inner monologue).


but as i pull up to my house there is a giant WOLF/DOG/COYOTE thing running around my front yard street area!!!!!!!!!

i was like ahhhhhh what the fuck, WEREWOLF! i swear to god i knew it was a werewolf, i was like

oh shit, this is it, i knew this shit was real, im gonna die (inner monologue).

so i call my mom, and of course my cell phone isnt getting service to connect to my house phone, which is literally like 10 yards away from where im sitting in my car, while this animal is circling me!

eventually it rings through (fucking northside lack of cell towers) and my mom and sister come out and try to shoo the damn thing away, even though its growling and snarling at them, and like trying to run up at my front door, while im driving around trying to get it to follow me away from the house.

after about 20 minutes of this nonsense, i pull into my driveway and decided to honk my horn a bunch, and it worked, the damn thing ran down the street and i booked it up to my front door and we shut it real fast just as it was running back to the front garden.


oh my god so scary, im totally scared of any animals that arent mine or little, so this damn wolf/coyote bitch scared the shit out of me. there is so much adrenaline pumping through me right now, and i just want to sleep!


basically, fuck Saw, its a bad movie.

i'm clinically bonkers and hate just about everyone god's great earth offers
i won't be getting dressed up to impress your family dear
And if i can't wear jeans and sneakers then i won't be landing there




my obsession with hiphop is getting out of hand.
listen to aesop rockkkkkkkkkk.

"if im going to be partaking in public urination it will be sober." matthew caputo, age 28, in reference to his two little sisters' drinking habits


"i dont think i could ever be attracted to a guy who swooshes all his hair to one side." maddie duvanich, age 18, in reference to every boy at the show last night.


"ewwww dont ever say that word again, i hate the word pounded." melanie haux, age 20, in reference to my debauchery.



that basically sums up my weekend. i have the funniest friends / family.

i know how to wear the costume, i know how to wear the mask, im not a junkie for your love

There are angels in your angles
There's a low moon caught in your tangles

i feel like crap ughhh, my whole body feels like i just got shit on all over the place, which is oddly enough not too far from the truth, ha.

no more keg beer for alison, unless its PBR. and also i could barely walk yesterday, but i thought it had gone away, then i woke up this morning and im still having trouble walking, oh wow.


my favorite part in before sunrise is the drunk guy smoking a cigarette who writes them the milkshake poem. thats totally gonna be me.







oh and happy fathers day pops, hope youre partying it up in Greece!


And darling, we go a-drowning
Down we go away

tonight was pretty out of hand, so i did what any self-respecting twenty year old girl would do.

i pulled over into salk's parking lot and ran through the sprinklers by myself still half drunk.

you wouldnt be able to do that would you?





And I claim I'm not excited with my life any more

So I blame this town, this job, these friends
The truth is it's myself

And I'm trying to understand myself
And pinpoint where I am

By the time I get things figured out
I've change the whole damn plan...

if a boys eyes are open when he kisses you, and yours arent,
dump him, and fast.


if a boy only kisses you passionately when drunk,
dump him and fast

if your girl friends dont like your new boy toy,
dump him and fast.

they are always always always right.





just some, you know, food for thought.

from AlcoholEdu for Sanctions.

this is literally one of the questions i had to answer for getting written up:

20: A blood alcohol concentration of 0.00% means:

A . There is no alcohol in a person’s blood

B . There is no level of alcohol a person can safely drink

C . An inability to recall events when drinking

D . Losing a drinking game


THE ANSWER IS OBVIOUSLY D!

i got xiu xius new album from james.
thank you.


listening to xiu xiu makes me feel so... so...
i dont know so much... better?
something in jamies voice just makes me feel something, which is good.
and helpful and worth it.

something in the loud banging noises, in the din, there is beauty.
in the harshness there is light?
i dont know, im not in a very poetic mood, so im not communicating well.


but in related news, tomorrow is Word Night at the Bazaar Cafe.
California and 21st.
I will be reading some poems.
please come.

i got dumped... and i cut my hair

so yeah, another week long relationship under my belt.
and if i look at the year, its been 8 guys. 8 different boys, and nothing really to show for it.

it sucks when i actually like one, and then end up pushing them away. or being too alison. i am too alison for my own good.

regardless, summer is coming, my hair is short, and spokane is not a 7:1 girl:guy ratio, so i should have luck, right?

and then italy, in the fall, cute boys, right?

its all about timing with me. no its always about distance. over half of my relationships havent worked because the timing was off and the distance was looming.

and i keep telling myself i dont want a relationship, i just wanna hang, just wanna chill. but thats not true. im such a girl. bleh.

listening to a silver mt. zion always makes me happy though.

i will be going to green apple later with heather and mo, and ill buy some new used books, and maybe ill drink coffee or tea and maybe ill start being predictable and adult again.

from "lust" by Susan Minot

the more girls a boy has, the better. he has a bright look, having reaped fruits, blooming. he stalks around, sure-shouldered, and you have the feeling he's got more in him, a fatter heart, more stories to tell. for a girl, with each boy it's like a petal gets plucked each time.



...you don't even ask for anything or try to say something to him because it's obviously your own damn fault. you haven't been able to---to what? to open your heart. you open your legs but can't, or don't dare anymore, to open your heart.


it starts this way:
you stare into their eyes. they flash like all the stars are out. they look at you seriously, their eyes at a low burn and their hands no matter what starting off shy and with such a gentle touch that the only thing you can do is take that tenderness and let yourself be swept away. when, with one attentive finger they tuck the hair behind your ear, you---
you do everything they want.
then comes after. after when they don't look at you. they scratch their balls, stare at the ceiling. or if they do turn, their gaze is altogether changed. they are surprised. they turn casually to look at you, distracted, and get a mild distracted surprise. you're gone. their black look tells you that the girl they were fucking is not there anymore. you seem to have disappeared.

i am not the girl i was once was. or the girl i want to be. fuck i am just a girl still!

on haight yesterday,
this bum was all,
"spare some change so i can call you later?"

ok there were these two guys like talking outside my window.

and one of em was all "yeah all those analyzers analyzing"
and the other guy was like "yeah im tired of everyone trying to be an analyzer"

and i wanted to yell down "UHM DID YOU MEAN ANALYST?"

fucking morons.

Fixing up my hair : I want to impress you : Today and everyday : Okay, okay okay

we went and saw Xiu Xiu last night and they were fucking amazing. i cant even explain how breathtaking their performance was. the rum diary opened and they were a really good band too. their drumming was so in line and time it was amazing. it was just an all around really good show and Jamie from Xiu Xiu just really inspired me and all of their new music is so raw and hard and beautiful and i cant wait for the new album, and if Xiu Xiu comes to play anywhere near any of you dont pass up the chance to see them!

p dot s dot JAMIE IS A PISCES LIKE ME! that must explain our strong inner connection and tendency to wear our hearts on our sleeves, be open and honest and truthful and harsh, and fall into unnecessary depressions full of self-doubt and self-inadeqaucy.

haha.






jamie and caralee singing fabulous muscles, a beautifully disturbing song

home, is where i want to be, but i guess i'm already there.

i seriously love matt craig so much. we've been hanging out again a lot recently, and its really making me happy. i really need to turn this semester around, because so far ive just been really self-indulgent and thats not fair.

but yeah he and heather and i went to dinner at bella and it was so yummy and we had this fucking amazing bottle of wine. and anyway matt late last night online was all "i really like that we hang out. like i really appreciate the effort. and i really love to see you happy, that makes me really happy." so sweet. i know he'll always be around for me, i just have to need him.






i have a big cankersore on my tongue and it hurts real bad.

i never felt so safe
lying i once told her
warm resting place
her arms on my shoulder

you are the rock
you are the rake
you are the one
when i wash myself

we ran into a cave
when the wars came closer
she turned into a cave
where it turned colder

you are the rock
you are the rake
you are the one
when i wash myself

im over it guys seriously.

ok so this weekend i am going to apply for a job at Hooters.

does anyone have a problem with this?

i do not do art.

i do the artists.

i like too many things & get all confused & hung up running from one falling star to another until i drop