hi

so i feel like my life is totally out of control.

i work about 7or8 hours a day basically every day.

when im not working my parents are getting mad at me because i havent planned anything for my 4month trip to italy that i leave for in 13days. basically all i have is a plane ticket. havent started packing, my computers broken, havent picked out luggage, havent bought about a million trillion little necessities ill need.

on top of that my cars still a little messed up from portland and i havent taken it to the shop yet, i was supposed to get tested for ADD at the beginning of the summer, and still havent done that, not to mention the operation i have to have to make sure that im not infertile (oh yeah did i not tell anyone that my doctors think i might be? great...).



its not that all i do is hang out with steve and blow of all my responsibilities, its that hey! a telephone works both ways, and hey! not everything is about you, and hey! im only human, and oh i dont know. i like him so much and im so scared of leaving and not because of him, because hes the one thing i feel like wont change.


ugh i have to get ready for work, i have to leave in twenty minutes and i just woke up and am still in my underwear.



im tired of loving everyone and having it still not be good enough.

ive seen so many shooting stars lately.
i like it.


you know you really like someone when you cant stop smiling while they kiss you.

drama

is it better to be emotionally stable, or to have all your drama right out in the open?



when youre constantly surrounded by people with their hearts on their sleeves, its easy to fade into the background.


im starting to think that all my hard work at making myself emotionally unavailable (on the surface at least), is backfiring.

like the time at chris and gregs, when i was super bummed about my fight with evan, and i started crying alone in khalids room to heather and mo. i was all away from untrusting eyes, with my two best friends, and after crying for like a minute, i made myself stop and knew it wasnt worth it. but thats not healthy. to not be able to cry in front of the people you trust the most...

but i guess id rather that. that than the time when i was so upset with james. i bawled my eyes out on giselles bed and c-las and giselle and everyone was just so afraid for me because i was crying so hard you could visibly see my heart breaking. and when james finally came and talked to me, i was so embarassed and so hurt, that i vowed to really never cry in front of anyone again.



i really cant do this anymore. i know why i dont want to go to italy. im tired of not having a best friend right there with me who knows everything and doesnt need to be self-involved all the time and who doesnt need me to explain everything. i knew this summer was gonna be hard but i did not anticipate missing people knowing my life story.



im mostly just scared, ok? its not a nice life story. there is no happy ending. there is no moral. it isnt all ok. im happy, but im scared. and even if i tell him, and even if he understands, im still leaving in a month, and im still going to a crazy face new place and ill have to find someone new and start all over again.

i wish i was still young and unbroken and naive and stupid and big mouthed and unable to keep secrets and told everyone too much information well before they need it. sometimes i wish i still thought being fucked up was cool.

so...

why does cleaning out your ears always make you sneeze?

im tired of being misunderstood

and

im tired of having no one to talk to.

this morning ive been procrastinating getting ready for work so bad, that i actually checked my facebook.








lets do something crazy fun tonight, bowling, roller skating, drunk cranium, drunk drunk drunk? im sorry, im out of control.


ps. i have two amazingly awesome bruises from skateboarding. which basically means i ate shit really bad at the skate park and 12 yr old boys laughed at me.