birthdayish wishlistish.

but also because sometimes i want things,
and i have extra money lying around,
and i forget what it was i wanted... hahah sad.


mostly anything hello kitty,
but id probably love you forever if you made this tailpipe come true.






great movies, incredible sountracks.


vinyl vinyl vinyl.
everyone knows what i listen to.
now i want it all on vinyl.



more film,
cuz its going outta style.



dia de los muertos obsession,
artwork of any sort, give it to me!


really ill take any artwork though,
of pretty much any kind, especially if you yourself made it.
i have a lot of siblings stuff, and good friends over the years have done some really amazing stuff for me, but i alwaysalwaysalways want more.


and play with me, so i can beat you.


and the old standby, little elefantes of any sort.


and i needz;

1.books
2.blankets
3.nag
4.plants!
5.smiles...



which reminds me of the most important thing i want for my birthday,
and for this new year of mine, being twentyfour and all.



everyone knows ive had a really tough year,
but those closest to me know it in a different way,
and i just really, really want to be healthy
mind body and soul.

ive been doing my part to keep myself physically, mentally and emotionally healthy,
and id appreciate it if my friends could do the same.


im seriously not willing to fight with people anymore.
i refuse to have unnecessary immature bullshit drama.
i only want people around me who are happy with themselves, this life, and who i can trust. im not playing any stupid mind games anymore.

: ]


hey thanks.

the facebook 25 things posty.

1. so far this 'schoolyear' i have missed thanksgiving, christmas, new years, and valentines day because i have been in the hospital due to my crohns. alison and holidays clearly do not mix. what gives?

2. speaking of medical things, when i had my tonsils out and got a blood clot, there was blood leaking out of my ears, my nose, my mouth and my eyeballs. i threw up blood for 2 hours, and had my stomach pumped and a blood transfusion. the doctor said there was over 2 pints of blood in my stomach that i had swallowed. imagine two pint glasses full of blood. my parents really thought i was going to die that day. now i just tell that as my nastiest exorcist story.

3. if i could only listen to one song for the rest of my life, it would be 'oh comely' by neutral milk hotel.

4. i firmly believe that the biggest mistake i ever made was deciding to go to GU-in-Flo and leaving san francisco. i will most likely have regrets due to that for the rest of my life.

5. most people already know this about me, but i still suck my thumb every night when i go to bed. i also suck my thumb when im watching movies. ill even do it in front of other people, if i trust them.

6. i only let the people i trust the veryvery most come to family dinners. if youve met members of my family other than my mom and my sister, you are most definitely in the inner circle.

7. if i would have been born a boy, my parents would have named me Cipi Pietro.

8. theres only one person that i am no longer friends with that i wish i had back every day of my life, and she knows who she is, but she probably wont acknowledge it ever, and i still have no idea why.

9. my senior year of highschool i decided to flip through my planner and randomnly stop on a day, and then on that day the next year i would get my first tattoo, and that is exactly what i did. theres a pic of it at the bottom. its a jesus fish, and so everyone who sees it looks at me weird because im not christian. but i got it for my best friend vanessa who killed herself the day of our graduation from high school. i didnt believe in God and she made me believe in something, and especially made me believe in life, so i decided to dedicate the rest of my life to living up to the potential i know she had.

10. at one point, every single person in my immediate family was on anti-depressants but me.

11. i have not eaten beef since the fall of 2001.

12. i have been on a plane when the oxygen masks fell due to turbulence. i was scared out my mind.

13. thirteen has and always will be my favorite and lucky number!

14. speaking of being scared, im still scared of my parents basement. ive been known to flat out refuse to go down there alone.

15. i have had three pet hermit crabs that all were named cipi.

16. when i was in junior high i would sometimes rewrite my homework two or three times before handing it in so that my penmanship would be perfect. my best friend breanne and i would try and see whos letters could look the best.

17. the first cd i ever bought for myself was Bush "Sixteen Stone".

18. my smile has not changed since i was two. when people look at my baby pictures they swear i havent aged.

19. when i was in 4th grade i was told that i had the reading comprehension of a highschool freshman. i began reading books for that age level, and i think thats when the only innocence i had left was lost.

20. i have a photographic memory.

21. ive been swimming in both the atlantic and pacific oceans. but who hasnt?

22. ive only ever been fired from a job once. i was nineteen, i lived in san francisco, and i called my boss at peets coffee a moron. i have however walked out of four jobs. i walked out of the valley zumiez, nordstrom BP, rock city grill, and urban outfitters on the ave in seattle. i also called my boss at the northtown zumiez a fucking dumb bitch in front of the whole floor (employees and customers) and was not fired, because the DM liked me so much. i have lasted at my current job longer than anyone thought i would and i think its because ive done a lot of growing up in the past year and a halfish. my pride used to get the best of me a lot, now my bills (student loans ugh) take precedence.

23. the hello kitty charms on my phone have annoyed most of my friends for two years now but i refuse to take them off.

24. is how old i will be turning on march 8th. i feel very, very old.

25. the only reason i smoked marlboro lights for so long was because i thought my hands smelled like peanut butter after i had one and i love peanut butter more than any other food in the whole world.

rrr.

Well baby, baby, baby, baby...
How long am I supposed to wait?
I think about you nightly
Oh, can you tell I'm losing sleep?
Well, what am I supposed to do?
It's hard to stay cool when you smile at me.
And I get nervous every time you speak.
My bed's too big for just me.
When you turn your eyes, I promise I won't care.
Oh baby, baby, baby, baby.
Oh baby, baby, baby please.
My heart sinks to my knees.
Oh baby, baby do you know I think about you nightly?
My bed's too big for just me.
When you turn your eyes, I promise I won't care.
Oh baby, baby, baby, baby.
I think about you nightly,
I think about you nightly,
Oh baby, baby, baby, baby.
Oh baby, baby, baby,
When I look in your eyes, I tend to loose my voice.
Don't forget your stare, Oh what was that you said?
Would you let me know, because I can't read your mind.
Can you tell? I can't even explain.
Oh baby, baby, baby, baby.
I think about you nightly, I think about you nightly,
Oh baby, baby, baby, I think about you nightly.
Oh baby, I can't even explain.
How long am I supposed to wait?
I think about you nightly.
Oh can you tell I'm loosing sleep?
Oh baby, what am I supposed to do?
It's hard to stay cool, oh, when you smile at me.
And I get nervous every time you speak.
Oh baby, baby, baby, baby,
I think about you nightly.
Oh baby, baby, baby, baby.

its monday.

postsecrets,
and peanut butter and jelly,
then workworkwork.

sometimes i feel like a productive member of society.
but not too often.

a very hard day.

i found this old picture,
from salzburg,
it was pouring rain all day and id stupidly worn flipflops.

i kept playing this song on repeat on my ipod;

we visited mozarts house,
and places where theyd filmed the sound of music.

hopefully ill be going back to europe again this summer.
if im well enough.


i had to run and run to catch the train that day,
and i was on all these medicines, they made me so slow.
i was more than half asleep, and completely numb.
my feet were black; it took me over an hour to scrub them clean.


i was still there for about another month,
and i got through every one of those days somehow,
so this, this shouldnt be all that much harder.


but everyday i wake up and im still sick.
and im still taking almost 20 pills a day.
and the side effects are not going away.
and i just dont understand why medicines that are supposed to be fixing my intestines,
are causing my emotional and mental health to get so out of whack.
and im tired of never sleeping the whole night through.


i can do this.
i know i can.
its just so hard when everyday there is another tragedy.
watching your puppy pee straight blood is terrifying,
and i feel like ive been here before.
now sofia and i are on the same medicine.
prednisone for her and me.
so strange.
they said if this starts attacking her other organs,
she might not make it through the week.
shes not even two years old.
...

im just a happy kid stuck with the heart of a sad punk.

today was the perfect day for getting lost inside an album
& this was most definitely the one.




track 5 continuous repeat especially.



ive decided to basically live off liquids.
solids are boring.
today consisted of water, water, smoothie, coffee, water,
and ill probz throw some alcohol in there later.





ive been cleaning house,
and cleaning brain and heart as well.


the last 4 months were probably the hardest ive been through in a very long time.
i highly doubt most people would come out the other side with a smile on their face.




i need marin, and the city,
and soooooon.
saving up for april/mayish!

ok so see theres

trying too hard vs. not trying hard enough.


my days have been occupied for months now
with the same old same old.


i need something.someone.somewhere newnewnew!

its ok if its here, in this town.

but everyday,
starbucks, shows, bars, puppysitting,
ondemand, lunchwithbubba, homedecor,
sittingatshannas, smokingbowls, takingmeds,
today will be like yesterday like tomorrow is like last week.


i was supposed to be going back to school in the winter/spring,
to get my teaching credentials,
but between hospital visits and snowfuck'08
thats all been put on hold.

so, do i move instead?
portlandia in the summer?
one bedroom in brownes in the spring and suck it up
in (boringashell) spokane for another yearish?


do i stay ? do i go ?


i just need different opinions,
ideas, thoughts, from someones who i havent
already known for the last three years,
or someones who havent known everyone i know
for the last three years.

i need to make friends with people
that are actually DOING things with their lives
and are also not content doing these things here.



i am never satisfied.

i am always content with what i have,
but never with what i am doing/have done.













yes,
every report card said
"alison is not living up to her full potential.
she takes on too much at once,
successfully completing just what is necessary for the A grade,
without ever giving any real attention to anything."