im single.

ok so i just really feel the need to get this down.

im single. ive been single for 2months starting tomorrow. but i wasnt really single. and im still not even really single. but that is my new years resolution. weird i know, but its time. its time for both of us.

steven is finally ready to be single and ready to meet and date other girls. and i thought i was ready to date other guys too. but im not. i dont want to date anybody. and i keep saying that, but nobody listens to me.

i really dont want to be in a relationship. i dont want to deal with the responsibilities of a relationship. i dont want to feel bad when i hurt someones feelings. i dont want to feel bad if i want to hang out with someone else. i dont want to feel like i cant be honest.

being with steven was the best and worst time of my entire life. and right now, no one can mean as much to me as he does. it just doesnt matter what happens. right now steven is still my number one and im still his. we totally love each other in a way that no one else has yet to understand, excpet maybe my sister and his mom.

someday im sure ill have the capacity to love someone else like that, but not right now. its been too hard in the last year and a half losing all my best friends. i lost lizzy, melanie, james, heather, jackie, mo and steph. when i tried to regroup and make new friends, like bubba and jess, i ended up losing them too. i guess its obvious then that everything is my fault, right? and through everything steven was there supporting me and cheering me on.

when the medicine fucked me up and i honestly wanted to die, or thought i was going to anyway, steven sat next to me all day and night long. when i was going through withdrawls he was the one who walked me to the corner and back just so i could get out of the house for 5 minutes and breathe fresh air. i was too fragile and scared at that point to let anyone be close to me except family members and him, and now i see how much damage that really did to me.

every day i pay for coming back from italy. every day i pay for being put on prozac. all those friends i hurt when i disappeared, theyre over it now. but i hurt everyday from it. and the only person who can understand that and knows exactly what really happened, is steven. and im not ready to be vulnerable yet. the only person i trust is him.

i know that my SF friends still wish everyday that i was there. and i know they wish they heard from me more. and i wish the same thing too. but missing people puts such a strain on my heart that its too hard to do sometimes. i wish i had them everyday. i wish i could just go outside to the caf to a booth to gossip with the girls. i wish i could just lay next to james and not even talk. i wish i had friends like that.

but im making it work for me. now. all i want are friends. girl friends, guy friends, whatever. i dont want to have to look cute, i dont want to have to make jokes. i need more people like brett and christine who will just go to walmart with me because i said so. i love them, more than they probably know.

ok this got way off topic and way too dramatic. the point is, im single and i need to be. i have a lot of things to work on with myself and im ready to do it.

chapstick.

i lost mine and im fucking pissed.
my lips hurt and all i have is gloss. argh.
also went to urgent care this morning because i have acute sinusitis.
again.
yay.
i love being healthy.
also our cable isnt working. all we are getting is TNT.
who even watches TNT?
and i have to work at 5. which is good. i need money.
and its only a 4 and 1/2 hour shift. but still.
its sunny out which is gorgeous, but i still dont feel like its christmas.
this bums me out. and i hate the word bum.

also, this hottie has been serendaing me:

things that are really working for me right now:

goat cheese
cup o noodles
nelly furtado
my pink beret
bottled water
laughing (out loud obviously)
my new new hot pink razr that is en route to my house right now!!
new friends
my nose


things that arent:

christmas ( i dont feel like its the season at all boo)
the lack of apologies ive gotten this year from shady shadesters (maybe the new year will be a good time to severe ties once and for all, or mend broken hearts? id prefer the latter but its not up to me... as usual)
my ipod (literally not working, but i still love my baby girl)
my new cell phone (fuck cingular pay as you go)
old friends (never on the same page)
bags under my eyes
my digestive system
the christmas lights i put up (apparently i need industrial tape)

summer is officially over.

so here is a photo.doc of my summer adventures (for the most part.)




steven bubbs and me at his graduation.


bubba at the batting cages.


my dumb ass.


jess and i at the skate park.


me and steven driving around.






jess and jack.


bubbs and jack.


bubba and ashton.




steven and curtis.


j and i and the burgers.


im too heavy haha.


my favorite way to see curti bear.




the gang.


we love titties.





lame.







my girlsss.


drunk.


ass.


hoes.


el chollo.

thats about it before everyone started being shitty and getting sick of each other. haha. isnt that the way the summer always goes? blah.

spring break?

jess and i at the wild horses monument.



it was a good day...


with my two best friends.


steven and clayton at the sushi place./


yum yum yum./





steve loves taking random picstures of me.


i want more ooh mami!







i drove the whole way. 300+ miles. and i did it in just over 3 hours. which means yeah i was going fast.


yaya roadtrip.


cute.

some random pictures.

me mel and derek at wsu for the ok go show.



here are a couple from chas's going away party.



the boy and i.



jessy poo and chassy poo.




daniel matt and i squishing. i dunno.



these are from my 21st birthday.


shots of buttery nipple.





shots of surfer on acid.




the end of the night. i won this hat from a vanilla ice dance off!!

this is when steve got his tattoo.


letting him squeeeze me.


curtis gave moral support too.


sad faces.




the finished product.

21 is wayyy too old for how irresponsible i still am.

ok so im sitting in my renaissance history class,
bored out of my mind.

i completely did not do an article for my journalism class,
and then made up this bullshit excuse about how im writing my article on a student
going to new orleans for an alternative spring break.
i therefore got an extension till two weeks from tomorrow,
however,
i dont know anyone doing such a thing,
so now i need to find a student who is actually doing this.


i have an english midterm at 2 that i only know about 50% of the information for,
bc i didnt study for it this past weekend,
so i am skipping my one oclock philosophy class to finish studying.




i have a journalism midterm on thursday,
that i havent begun studying for.
i have a PR midterm tomorrow
that i havent begun studying for.
am i really gonna study on my birthday?


i still havent been able to get a hold of the woman at salvation army
to do service learning for them,
and our first paper is already past due,
so im screwed.




oh and lets not forget,
i am still totally in love with the boy,
everyday things are better and good,
and 7months seems like no time at all.

exactly.

Here's the story. There is nothing you could possibly ever say that I could possibly ever care about. You're not appealing to me in the least. I don't want to chat with you online. I don't want to add you as my friend. I don't want to see if I can get your band a show in my town on either March 24th or 25th. I don't want to come to your reception at Hipster Coffee Shop with Two-Buck Chuck and DJ WhiteKidWhoGotDecksForChristmas spinning totally ironically '90s hip-hop songs to look at shit that you traced out of an old Juxtapoz. You are not part of a movement. Your art fucking sucks.

Your blog is also a real piece of shit. No one cares about what you have to say. Period. Just because you a read a Dave Eggers book doesn't mean your life is worth fucking documenting. He probably made most of that shit up and it still wasn't even that great. Your life is not tragic. It's not exciting. It's just ordinary and pathetic. No one wants to read about it, and especially not have not have to look at pictures of it. Your friends all look like assholes in vintage/mo/emo/indie eBAY clothes and your girlfriend is the most pathetic of them all. Sorry if you think she's totally the hottest girl in your little scene of trendy dive bar scumfucks...


I don't want you to ever fucking instant message me, trying to be super down with whatever it was I said to you one time. I was just trying to be cool because you bought me a beer. Then I had to listen to your lame ideas for the next half an hour waiting around for you to beat it. The sound of your voice is super annoying to me. Having to smell you standing next to me makes me want to throw up all over the place. I don't even like having to look at you from across the room or even seeing you out of a window, walking down the street.

oh my.

so the other night at portugal the man,
steven and i got in a HUGE fight,
because he gets overly retardedly jealous.
he ended up yelling at me for trying to set jess up with "cute guy" at the show.
then i ran out of the big dipper,
broke a metal barrier in my escape,
and huddled in the rain sobbing.

steven came to rescue me and we both cried a lot,
then we went back to the show,
pretended to like people,
steven begged portugal to play "our song" (monster),
and they opened with a few riffs of it just for us.
it was really cute and awesome bc we were right in front of the stage,
and the bassist guy, that steve knows from when he was in anatomy,
was like "is that good?" and steve was all "that was perfect man thank you."

we ended up just like talking about it that night a lot,
and we know we have trust issues to work on, but
at the end of the day, we're the most important people in each others lives,
and thats not going to change.

today i spent from 930am-8pm in class.
then i met steven at work for his break and we ate arbys.
my car is on empty and im exhausted.

last night.

was dan ryans art show.
and i somehow got drunk off of two beers.
and i put ""my humps"" on at an art gallery/coffee bar where 40% of the people were over the age of 40.
god it was great.

i finally got a desk for my room.
i finally got internet at the apt.
i have a statistics quiz tomorrow at 8oclock in the morning.
jesus.

i need to mail in money for 3 parking tickets. that $40.
rent is due on the first. thats at most $150.
plus utilities which is at most $85.
plus cable bill which is $25.
i dont get paid again till feb. 4th and i only have like $200.
oh man.

oh and besides christine,
every one of my friends in spokane is younger than me.
by at least one year, but mostly more.
so sad.


i think thats all for now.