cuz youre just damage control.

i find that i often get myself into trouble just for knowing who i am.

i trust myself, i love myself, and i believe in myself, and quite frankly i know what i am worth, and i am not going to dumb myself down or sit quietly in a corner for anyone.


when they say the only thing constant is change i think they must have been specifically referring to my life.


the whirlwind that is always happening in my world is something that i have had to adapt to and get used to and same with every person who enters into my life. and i cannot (in fact i flat out refuse) to apologize for that. im absolutely crazy, and so is my life and thats just the way it is. its not my fault. so you take it or you leave it.

the last year has been a process. its been a complete growth cycle. id say ive never acted more my age than i do now. ive never been more sure of myself, and more willing to make mistakes and take the fall for them. ive never been more willing to admit when im wrong, or apologize, or be honest better me.

ive had to cut out so much, so many people, places, things. there are six people that make up my entire life. my parents, my sister, bubba, shanna and berret. my entire world revolves around loving them, working, and taking care of myself. honestly.

and im really lucky to have some other super cool super supportive super loving friends right now. i weeded out all those bad seeds and am left with people who truly care about me.

and it feels amazing. things are amazing. things are always amazing, but i have an appreciative soul, so thats probably why im normally always happy.


and i am refusing now to ever let things get as bad as they were. im building up for the rest of my life and nothing is going to hold me back. not my crohns, not my ptsd, and never again a single person making me feel like i should be taking care of their life and their goals before mine.



i may have all the answers to my questions in myself but i need some catalyst to get them into my consciousness.

so they say

if you dont have something nice to say
dont say anything at all.


i guess ill be keeping my mouth shut,
and most of those thoughts locked up in my head for a while.


i always say that i dislike people generally,
but enjoy quite a few specifically.

well its more true now, than ever before.



im counting down the days until i meet someone that i can have a real normal conversation with about something even remotely intelligent.

part of the problem might in fact be that i rank high on my list of friend qualities the ability to keep up with my drinking habit,
but i realize frequently that heavy drinkers ≠ worthwhile friends.








timeforachangestartsnownownow.



dont even test me on this.

when in doubt

clean house.
read plath.
let your fingers find their way.
they always do.


(try inverting this thesis tomorrow...
How an Idea of what Should Be or What One Should Be Doing can drive an eating, excreting two-legged beast to misery).

its about time.

sometimes i think we are not grateful enough for all the amazing things that happen in our lives.

i dont think that i often fall into the trap of thinking that i deserve anything, in fact, i think its quite the opposite where i am always overly thankful for my life.

however, ive been so incredibly happy lately, and i just cant tell people enough how much i love them, how important they are to me, and how incredibly lucky i am to know them.


so i just thought it was time to put this down.
because sometimes i still have bad days (like everyone), and sometimes i still cry when im driving home alone drunk (like everyone), and sometimes i think that ill always be just a little bit fucked up (unlike everyone).
but hopefully, i can come back and read this and remind myself that i have it good.
im definitely living the good life.


american beauty has been in my top 5 favorite movies since i first saw it when it came out, and i think kevin spaceys character sums it up best at the end:


"I guess I could be pretty pissed off about what happened to me...
but it's hard to stay mad,
when there's so much beauty in the world.
Sometimes I feel like I'm seeing it all at once,
and it's too much,
my heart fills up like a balloon that's about to burst...
And then I remember to relax,
and stop trying to hold on to it,
and then it flows through me like rain
and I can't feel anything but gratitude
for every single moment of my stupid little life..."


so anyway, ive been getting teary eyed out of happiness a lot lately, and ive been looking at my friends and feeling like my hearts gonna burst cuz i really really love them, and i know that the people who have had the chance to know me know that their lives have been better off with me in them because they know that i have way too much love to give, and that its all i really wanna do.


i dont know, i just really like the fall, and im actually happy to be spending it in spokane again, this town is beautiful this time of year, and i just think that people need to recognize and accept the awesomeness that is life ok?!

advice.

from the best of all sources always,
miss sylvia plath:


"i cut you out because i couldnt stand being a passing fancy.
before i give my body,
i must give my thoughts, my mind, my dreams.
and you werent having any of those."


&


"if you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain or bitter ---
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself...
beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.
you are a child of the universe
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here."

im not enough.

someone needs to help me with these things.
someone else needs to know whats going on and care too.
someone else needs to be there, just be.

i feel like i cant do enough, or im not doing enough.
i know just being there is enough, but i feel like there should be more.
there has to be more i can do.

i understand why people come to me, but its too much.
things are not going well for a quite a few people in my life right now.
quite a few people that im really really scared for, and really really love.

i feel like there is no one i can talk to about all of it,
because no one else will care, or can care, or is here.

and its like, no one is coming right out and asking for my help,
but you know when someone is reaching out to you.
you know when someone just tells you things.

or when someone says,
youre the first person who called me to hang out today,
youre the only person who asked how i was doing today.

i dont think anyone else is sitting spending hours at a time trying to figure out what to do.
im a mess too. im in way over my head with my own shit, and now
now im racking my brain trying to figure out how to help.

and i just want to help. i just want to be able to make it better.
i just dont think i can do it alone.
i just need other people to actually care.

im going to try and be strong enough,
and i dont want anyone to think they shouldnt come to me,
because i will never stop being there and i will never stop trying to fix things,
and i will never stop caring.

maybe im over reacting,
or maybe its about time someone acted at all.

ghastly city sleep!

the only band i wanna hear right now.
on vinyl.
sitting stoned in bubbas house.




this shit has been blowing me away for about a good week or two now.
thought i should finally share it with ze masses.

i have to get this out.

its very very easy for me to love people.

i give my love incredibly freely and everyone who knows me knows this.

i find it quite easy to simply care for the people that come into my life.
just for being themselves. i dont make a lot of demands.
i dont expect people to be anything other than who they are.


that being said, i do however, feel fine telling those i love and care for exactly what i think about their behavior, good or bad.

and i guess its for this reason that people dont find it quite as easy to simply love me.

i have a pretty strong reputation for pissing off most everyone who has become extremely close to me, and ive lost many friends that i held especially dear.

however some have come back, some have stayed away for good, and some have always stuck it out.

its the ones that have stuck, or that have come back, that mean the most.
(and you know who you are.)
obviously.

and im, for once and for all, letting go of all those bad vibes, and bad feelings from those who deserted me, stabbed me in the back, etc etc.

im human just like everyone else. but unlike everyone else, ive dealt with more trauma in my life time than most of my friends combined. and yeah it makes me stronger, but sometimes it makes me numb. so numb that i dont feel bad for doing the horrible things i do, for pushing people away, because i dont believe i deserve my own happiness.

sure i care what people think about me,
but not for one second has it ever changed how i act, react and live.

maybe thats a bad thing, maybe thats a good thing.

but ive decided to start realizing that i do deserve it all.
i do.
the thing is, in order for me to deserve it all, i cant fuck it up anymore.
i have to stop pushing people away. i have to do right all the time.


one person has always believed in me, and even though i hurt him worse than all the rest,
and even though he hurt me just as consistently, i have never for once doubted how much he loves me. if he still believes in me after all of this, if he still knows what im worth (even though its not right for him), then i know someone else will. and he reminds me daily that i can do this, so i will. to prove it to myself and everyone else, my family, my friends (those extremely special people who cant seem to stay away from me haha!), and most especially to him. we will go our completely separate ways, and thats fine, because when i get that big white house with the big white porch and i have the little girl with the head full of big curls, she'll be calling him uncle. because a best friend always lasts longer than a relationship. and we will weather this storm just like all the rest. you watch!


(oh oh, and to three especially important people, christine, phoebe and bubba, i owe the last two months of my life to you guys. if i dont show it enough, im sorry. but know now that you three are incredible and i dont deserve you, but i will!)

sometimes

i get so sad i cant breathe.

the truth is i just wanna be making money
so that i can spend it on alcohol mostly and maybe some weed and adderall.

now fuck off.


sorry but ive been diagnosed with so many things
that at this point when i try to remind myself
that im just displaying symptoms
my head starts to spin.



sometimes i wish i knew what it was like to be a virgin
but i never have. in my life.
dont ever act like you know me, because you dont.






(oh and i dont think that because you read this
you have a clue.)

this

is how my life feels right now.









you wouldnt get it, would you?

and it was awesome and you were special.

these people get me through the dayz.daze.days.?

fuck this.

i think maybe
february 14, 2008
is the wrong day
to completely end the relationship
youve had with someone
since july 2005.
whos with me?
whelp too late. its over.

i hope everyone in spokane gives a little cheer.
and hey if youre actually steves friend and not just a big drama starter
you should maybe text him or call him
and say hi, and maybe dont talk to him about me,
because im the last thing he wants to talk about, derrrrr.


wow wow wow wow.
though we've broken up about 4 times now,
i think we both still thought there was something salvageable.
there isnt. fuck 2 1/2 year relationships that end in bullshit.
im going back to my old rule.
if its not working get the fuck out early.
dont let it go on and on and on and on till you both want to die and sort of hate each other.

gridlock car rides

produce conversations like this:

steven: stop picking at your face!
alison: im not, im picking my lip.
steven: same thing.
alison: (mumbling) squid&the whale woman does it.
steven: huh?
alison: squid&thewhale mom does it!
steven: well she also cheats on her husband, so thats a great example.
alison: humph.