i have to get this out.

its very very easy for me to love people.

i give my love incredibly freely and everyone who knows me knows this.

i find it quite easy to simply care for the people that come into my life.
just for being themselves. i dont make a lot of demands.
i dont expect people to be anything other than who they are.


that being said, i do however, feel fine telling those i love and care for exactly what i think about their behavior, good or bad.

and i guess its for this reason that people dont find it quite as easy to simply love me.

i have a pretty strong reputation for pissing off most everyone who has become extremely close to me, and ive lost many friends that i held especially dear.

however some have come back, some have stayed away for good, and some have always stuck it out.

its the ones that have stuck, or that have come back, that mean the most.
(and you know who you are.)
obviously.

and im, for once and for all, letting go of all those bad vibes, and bad feelings from those who deserted me, stabbed me in the back, etc etc.

im human just like everyone else. but unlike everyone else, ive dealt with more trauma in my life time than most of my friends combined. and yeah it makes me stronger, but sometimes it makes me numb. so numb that i dont feel bad for doing the horrible things i do, for pushing people away, because i dont believe i deserve my own happiness.

sure i care what people think about me,
but not for one second has it ever changed how i act, react and live.

maybe thats a bad thing, maybe thats a good thing.

but ive decided to start realizing that i do deserve it all.
i do.
the thing is, in order for me to deserve it all, i cant fuck it up anymore.
i have to stop pushing people away. i have to do right all the time.


one person has always believed in me, and even though i hurt him worse than all the rest,
and even though he hurt me just as consistently, i have never for once doubted how much he loves me. if he still believes in me after all of this, if he still knows what im worth (even though its not right for him), then i know someone else will. and he reminds me daily that i can do this, so i will. to prove it to myself and everyone else, my family, my friends (those extremely special people who cant seem to stay away from me haha!), and most especially to him. we will go our completely separate ways, and thats fine, because when i get that big white house with the big white porch and i have the little girl with the head full of big curls, she'll be calling him uncle. because a best friend always lasts longer than a relationship. and we will weather this storm just like all the rest. you watch!


(oh oh, and to three especially important people, christine, phoebe and bubba, i owe the last two months of my life to you guys. if i dont show it enough, im sorry. but know now that you three are incredible and i dont deserve you, but i will!)