but you know im not such a bad seed .

i guess its finally time for that blog ive been promising myself for weeks that i would write. most likely it will all be psychobabble, but i cant think until i purge myself of this emotional baggage.



lets see well i graduate from college in 18 days. thats pretty damn cool and important i guess. i dont know what the hell im gonna do, but i do know that even if no one else is incredibly proud of me, i sure am. i did two years at USF, one semester at the Falls, and a year and a half at Gonzaga, and somehow im finishing on time. that is a huge fucking deal. no one graduates in four years when theyve transfered twice and took a semester off. no one. not to mention im graduating with honors.

not to mention i have a horrible disease that no one really understands, not even those closest to me. its so hard for me to try to explain to people how the crohns affects me, or what i have had to go through the last few years battling it and not knowing what was wrong with me. all i would know was that i would feel horrible all the time, headachey nauseous and my stomache cramping so badly. but i never knew what was wrong so i never felt like i could complain. i always just tried to suck it up. and now i still do, but its so hard. i ache most of the day, i really do. and im taking my medicine and im doing everything i can, but i ache. and how am i supposed to focus on everything else, anything else, when its like this? but everyone just expects me to be okay all the time. but im not. and im too embarassed to say anything half the time. one, i HATE complainers, and two, no one could do anything even if they knew how much pain i was in. plus i dont want to be a burden on anybody, and nobody wants to take care of me anyway, so it doesnt matter.

but the fact that i have pushed myself through these four years of school being in pain like this, is amazing to me. because i know what it really feels like and it fucking sucks. and finding out i was b12 deficient was just icing on the cake. god.

(side note: and i just got a fucking bloody nose! what the hell is wrong with my body, ive never gotten a bloody nose before in my life. arghghghghrhrhrwghrlgjnrei)

anyway yeah between the crohns and the b12 deficiency these are the symptoms ive been experiencing every single day for over 2 years:
fatigue, weakness, nausea, loss of appetite, weight loss, numbness and tingling in the hands and feet, difficulty in maintaining balance, depression, confusion, poor memory, soreness of the mouth or tongue, and crampy abdominal pain, among others.

and im really just ashamed of myself for expecting any sympathy because i am fucking stronger than this. i have been through so much in my stupid little life that i hate that this fucking disease affects me so much. i want to be better than this.

I WANT TO BE BETTER THAN ALL OF THIS. THIS ISNT ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I DONT LET ANYTHING, NOT ANYTHING HURT ME. not sickness, not other people. not anything. and ive spent the last 2 years being a complete mess. ive gone from drug to drug and doctor to doctor. AND THIS ISNT ME.

i dont fucking do therapy! nkjgnl injtiorejgrtiosm. i dont. IM FINE. i really am.

fuck all those dumb drugs theyve tried to give me, the fluoxetin and the propranolol, the different birth controls, and the vicodin, asacol, protein supplements, hydrocodein, fiber shakes, stress reduction classes, 5 different therapists. and im still just me.

IM JUST ME. im happy every single stupid fucking idiotic day. how many people can say that and really mean it? i am i really am. every morning after some ridiculous party christine and brett are always frustrated by whatever dumbass thing happened the night before, and me? i dont even give a fuck even if the stupid dumbass thing was someone being an asshole to me. for some reason no matter how fucking shitty it gets, im still so INCREDIBLY HAPPY.

and you cant beat that. you cant.

of course i miss the way things were. i miss the city, i miss the girls, i miss my jamiepants. if i could just sit around with james and have him play me songs on my shitty ass guitar, and take smoke breaks, i would give anything. have heather piss me off and fight and make up all in 5 minutes. i want that.

i miss the way things were with steven. how did i go from planning to marry someone, to not even seeing the next day with him? i dont know. i know i cant go back, and i dont want to.

I DONT WANT THINGS TO BE THE WAY THEY WERE.
who would? why would you crave the past?

i want a future. i want an amazing fucking future. i want all this bullshit to be in the past. i want it to be here and now and shocking and passionate and intense and blinding me.

i dont care what friends i have around me, as long as for once or for again they are good ones. i dont care who i date or who im with or who i kiss, as long as they feel for me what i feel for them. NO MORE FUCKING ONE SIDED BULLSHIT RELATIONSHIPS. i dont even care if i am in love, or like, or enjoying. i dont care about butterflies and hand holding. i dont care about having sex. i just want my feelings to be matched. no matter how big or little they are, i just want someone to feel the same thing for me that i feel for them. I WANT TO BE ON THE SAME PAGE AT THE SAME TIME! please?

and i want someone to TEST ME. i want someone to STRESS ME. i want some to PUSH ME PULL ME WRECK ME. i want things to be so blissfully exciting and interesting and crazy insane, but im no romantic. i know things are always gonna be fucking tough, at least with me. and if you enter into this girls life, youre entering into a whirlpool that never really turns off. but i care more about the people i let get close to me that most anyone in their life has before or will again. and i know that that scares everyone who gets close to me, but i promise ill make it worth your while. i promise that you will never doubt that i am true to my heart. BECAUSE WHAT THE HELL ELSE ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO BE TRUE TO? riddle me that for fucks sake.


and you know i dont give a fuck if im crazy! so dont tell me im not. because i am ok. i dont give a fuck that i have PTSD. i know i have incredible issues and im not about hiding them or denying them ANYMORE. i wouldnt love like i do, or live like i do, if i didnt know incredible pain. i wouldnt be me. i wouldnt excite you, or LAUGH SO GODDAMN LOUD AT THE LAMEST THINGS :]]], if i wasnt so THANKFUL and GRATEFUL for those silly little moments that i wish came every 5 seconds rather than every 5 days.


cuz you know when i laugh i forget it all. and you know what PTSD does? seriously, because i wouldnt wish this on anyone. even people i incredibly dislike i wouldnt wish this on. people wonder why im the weird ways that i am. and its not my fucking fault. according to most research done on PTSD, 100% of people who go through what i did will develop PTSD. yeah, 100%. and thanks to that i deal with all of this:

isolating from other people, feeling numb, feeling on guard, irritable, startling easily, depression, substance abuse, problems of memory and cognition, fears, panic attacks, sleeping problems, nightmares, irritability, outbursts of anger, little confidence, little self-respect, little confidence in other people, fear of loss of control in relationships, abdominal pain, intestinal complaints, stomach ache, nausea, headache, back pain, painful shoulders, all kinds of chronic pain, easily affected, hot-tempered, jumpy, excessively alert, don't fall asleep easily.



AND YOU WANNA KNOW WHAT THE REALLY FUCKED UP PART IS?
im still happy. im still so happy.


and you know what else? i take full blame for everything i do. i really do. AND IM SO FUCKING SORRY. no one will ever know how sorry i really am. there are a lot of people who have been adversely affected by the bullshit i go through and i am so sorry. im just so sorry. i have this escape clause in my life. i have this 'get out easy' card i try to pass out. no one takes it. i dont know why. but listen i dont blame anyone for bailing. not colin or april. lizzy or ellen. i dont blame gabby or ally or giselle. i dont blame chris. or jess or bubba or anyone. melanie or brett. i really dont. i wouldnt wanna fucking deal with me either. im dead serious. the problem is, i sorta have to.

i have to live with myself and i have to love myself,
because its totally fucking true, that if you dont,
NO ONE ELSE WILL.


and at this point in this stupid blog i dont even know where i started or where i ended up or who is gonna read this (i hope not a lot of people because its mostly crap and i hate sympathy, it makes me uncomfortable.) and im sure i spelled a million things wrong, but crying haha and typing at the same time is a difficult task :]] but yes, i am done. i have nothing left to say.

radiate like me.

i need to write in here.
i have a lot to say.
i saw small dick today.
im passing all of my classes.
steven leaves in two weeks.