drama

is it better to be emotionally stable, or to have all your drama right out in the open?



when youre constantly surrounded by people with their hearts on their sleeves, its easy to fade into the background.


im starting to think that all my hard work at making myself emotionally unavailable (on the surface at least), is backfiring.

like the time at chris and gregs, when i was super bummed about my fight with evan, and i started crying alone in khalids room to heather and mo. i was all away from untrusting eyes, with my two best friends, and after crying for like a minute, i made myself stop and knew it wasnt worth it. but thats not healthy. to not be able to cry in front of the people you trust the most...

but i guess id rather that. that than the time when i was so upset with james. i bawled my eyes out on giselles bed and c-las and giselle and everyone was just so afraid for me because i was crying so hard you could visibly see my heart breaking. and when james finally came and talked to me, i was so embarassed and so hurt, that i vowed to really never cry in front of anyone again.



i really cant do this anymore. i know why i dont want to go to italy. im tired of not having a best friend right there with me who knows everything and doesnt need to be self-involved all the time and who doesnt need me to explain everything. i knew this summer was gonna be hard but i did not anticipate missing people knowing my life story.



im mostly just scared, ok? its not a nice life story. there is no happy ending. there is no moral. it isnt all ok. im happy, but im scared. and even if i tell him, and even if he understands, im still leaving in a month, and im still going to a crazy face new place and ill have to find someone new and start all over again.

i wish i was still young and unbroken and naive and stupid and big mouthed and unable to keep secrets and told everyone too much information well before they need it. sometimes i wish i still thought being fucked up was cool.