B.P.D.

oops i got diagnosed again.
and by the way, its not bi-polar. >< "an essential feature of this disorder is a pervasive pattern of instabitlity of self-image, interpersonal relationships, and mood, beginning in early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts. a marked and present identity disturbance is almost invariably present. this is often pervasive, and is manifested by uncertainty about several life issues, such as self-image, sexual orientation, long-term goals or career choice, types of friends or lovers to have, and which values to adopt. the person often experiences this instability of self-image as chronic feelings of emptiness and boredom.


interpersonal relationships are usually unstable and intense, and may be characterized by alternation of the extremes of overidealization and devaulation. these people will have difficulty tolerating being alone, and will make frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment.


affective instability is common. this may be evidenced by marked mood shifts from baseline mood to depression, irritability, or anxiety, usually lasting a few hours or, only rarely, more than a few days. in addition, these people often have inappropriately intense anger with frequent displays of temper or recurrent physical fights. they tend to be impulsive, particulary in activities that are potentially self-damaging, such as shopping sprees, psychoactive substance abuse, reckless driving, casual sex, shoplifting, and binge eating.


other self-mutilating behavior (e.g. wrist scratching, other picking) are common in the more severe forms of the disorder. this behavior may serve to manipulate others, may be a result of intense anger, or may counteract feelings of 'numbness' and depersonalization that arise during periods of extreme stress."


you know whatevs, typical p.t.s.d//b.p.d. its all the same jerks.



YOU KNOW! i used to be inspired to write.
all the time.
by ellen (the first girl i ever fell in love with), by adderall (i neeeeeed some), by the city (i misssssssss it).
i am never inspired anymore. not here. gross.




ALSO! i have realized that people dont date me. no one ever says, "oh when alison and i were dating" they say, "oh when i was WITH alison".

i am a special time in your life. its like this big spot (not necessarily a black one) on your life. like everything was different when you were 'WITH alison'. like people always say to me, "well that happened when we were together, that wasn't very typical of me, that's not how i am". i am this whole experience of life.time.world.


i am like this BIG STORM that whips into your life. i am like a big LIGHTNING/WIND/RAIN storm, that you want to run around in like a mad man, and you will, and you do, even though you know you probably arent going to come out of it the same.









ive only ever known one boy who could tame the storm.