just kiss me in the morning, in your dirtiest pants.
by the way, this is not for everyone ive ever been friends with. i have lots&lots of friends in spokane, and i love them all, but these people were the ones who really affected me. over the long haul you know?
melanie.
when i first moved home i didnt know how long it was gonna be, i didnt know what i was gonna do, who i was gonna hang out with, where i was gonna work, etc etc. you and i had been inseparable in highschool, but really hadnt talked much since then. but then we both got jobs at zumiez, completely randomly and that was it. i spent every single day of that summer with you. sitting in your stupid non-AC house with syd. eating nasty pizza pipeline. floating the river. going to c8s. you took care of me like no time had ever passed. that summer was ours. our trip to portland and you&curtis hahahaha. always trying to help me with steven. i dont know what happened to us. we always do this. we get in stupidstupidstupid fights, but i have loved you since the day i met you at business camp when we were 17. i will never stop considering you one of THE most important people in my life and one of THE best friends i have ever ever ever had. no one has ever understood me in the way you have. i love you, and i know youll be making trips to seattle and i hope youll visit me.
steven.
what can i even say about you? if soulmates are real, there has never been a doubt in our minds that we are it. from giving you dirty looks across the shoe stacks, telling everyone we were brother and sister, becca and chad always bugging me about being in love with you. and i was. and i am. i saw something in you that grabbed a hold of me and still hasnt let go. i know that you are the best person i will ever meet in my entire life. no one will ever ever compare to you, in any way. as a friend, a lover, anything. maybe things will never work out with us, who knows, but i do know that we were meant to meet, youve taught me more in my life than everyone else combined. and ive probably spent more nights crying over things youve done to me than everyone else combined too. haha. none of your friends have ever understood or respected our love, but every single one of my friends have. they know me and they know what you do to me. i have no doubt in my mind that if it werent for you i would probably be dead right now or locked up somewhere on lots of medicine. you literally saved my life and you know it. i cant ever say enough thank yous, i cant ever give you back what you gave me, and im always scared im gonna fail you, so i do it on purpose. no more of that. i dont care what anyone thinks of me but you, and im gonna make you so proud, and you know it. you know it.
curtis.
damn you. you are completely wrapped up in almost every single memory i have of living in spokane. from the first time i came to your house and watched you guys ride the miniramp. all the times that summer we went and skated UTF or hillyard, bought slurpies, ate way too much zips. i sat and sat, i watched your gloves while you skated. i tried to set you up with every single one of my friends that i could because i just wanted you to be happy. all the nights you let steve and i sleep over on your pullout couch. you have no idea what you did for us. what you did for me. i always knew you only liked me because steve liked me, but i always wanted to prove to you that i was good on my own. that you could like me for me. i dont know. the nights i sat and talked to mom about you and what you were gonna do with your life, and i always reassured her that you could handle it, that you were gonna solve things. i love everything about you and your family and the amount of time i have spent with you doing anything we have ever done. and thats a lot. we have done a lot. weve been through a lot. too much maybe. maybe thats it.
jessica.
oh my little jessica. i was a complete mess when you and i became friends. all i did was work, hang out with steve, and go to therapy. you knew from the beginning that you didnt understand me, that i was probably insane, but you looked past all that. weve had so many ups&downs in our friendship i cant even count. haha. but at the end of the day you were always gonna be there for me, you always knew my side of everything, you always knew me. ive watched you grow up and mature and be your own person and im so proud of you. you got away from all the drama and the bullshit and now you see through it all, and youve been such a constant reminder that i should see through it too. youre the only person that laughs at all my jokes. and too loudly. i know im gonna see you, i know youre gonna visit. i know im coming to your wedding. i know we are raising kids together. youre so beautiful, and i hope youve finally gotten all that you deserve. dont stop working hard. life is not easy, and you always said you never knew that. youd never had anything real bad happen to you, so you respected me so much more for it, but you learned jess. you get it now. we taught you. i think between tyler and i you know now how hard it really is for some people. you love me so much more because of that, and i love you always.
christine.
christine! my roomie! there was just soemthing about you in italy. i knew we were gonna be friends. i didnt care if i had to beg and drag you out of your damn room to get you to hang out, i was gonna do it. i never knew what was wrong, and though i cared, i always knew you werent ready to tell. i knew you just needed someone to help you escape and i was right there. i had plenty of friends in spokane, i didnt need another one. you did. and i wanted to be that for you. i know that your last two years at gonzaga were completely different, due in no small part to me, and i know that you finally had a good fucking time and learned to let certain things go. we have had some of the best times, and i know we will again once we are reunited haha. i know things did not work out with all the boys the way you wanted to, but what hilarious experiences did we have. the amount of times i have driven drunk because of you. the amount of times i have told you never talk to "so&so" again, youve never listened but im always there to hear you vent when they ALWAYS screw you over again. you deserve so much more than you take christine and you know it so stop settling. you will get to have that real 'in love' relationship soon, i know it. you watched all the drama i went through and you still want that for yourself hahahhahaa i dont know why, but you will get it. i know you will. and he wont be an asshole, and you wont be scared because hes not being an asshole for once. i miss the very very very simple things about our friendship. you and i have always enjoyed just doing the little things together, and i cant wait to sit around eating salad, drinking starbucks, and watching bad tv. oh and of course gossiping :]
bubba.
this is by far the hardest goodbye for me. i feel like im always saying goodbye to you, and im so glad that at least this time, its on a good note. you have never doubted for a single second of our friendship that i have cared more about you than most anybody youve ever known. i always wanted to take care of you, i always wanted to fix you, i still do. and i will never ever be able to and it breaks my heart so much. i cant even express properly in words why i love you, or why i love you so much. we share a bond so much deeper than anyone around us knows about or could ever understand. ive always known why you do the things you do, and you for me. and ive always been more scared of losing you forever than anyone else. you scare me, and you know you do. and you know you need to STOP FUCKING DOING THAT. i come running back to you everytime, no matter what you have done to me, no matter how hurtful you are to me, i cant let you go. of all the stupid friends of steves that i made, you truly love me for me. you never liked me because i was steves girlfriend. you liked me because i was YOUR friend. the amount of hours we have spent, just you and i, just talking and sitting there doing nothing. watching the dogs hahaha. i know all your fears, i know all your problems. i dont care about the petty stupid shit that happens everyday, i dont need to hear about it, or be in on everything. i dont need to see you all the time, or talk to you. i can leave you for months, to save myself from you, and come back and be right there when you REALLY need someone. i know that you will never doubt for a single second that when you need ANYTHING at all, i can always be the first person you can call. ive watched you grow up too. i always wanted you to avoid making the same mistakes that i did, but i cant. and ive always tried to look out for you, and everyone just yells at me for being your mom. but i know that you have always been thankful to me for actually caring enough to say something, even if you didnt want to hear it. i think every fight we have ever gotten into was because one of us was mad at the other for being in the others ones business. hahaha we are so dumb. i dont know my little baboo, i love you the most, i dont know why, but you know it. i know some day youll get the fuck out of here and i know you say you hate everyone and you dont ever want to talk to anyone again, but i know you will always talk to me. you cant help it. we have that bond, we are tied together. i doubt there is anyone else that i would chase up division for an hour in a tiny skirt with crazy traffic drunk, ok?
brett.
what is there left to say about you, to you? you dont care anymore, but i know you did. i know you did. im sorry. all the apologies in the world dont fix what i did to you, but then again, it works in the reverse too. no amount of sorrys can change what you did to me. we messed up. we screwed it all up horribly. we were always on a path to a big blow out, and there was really no surprises when it came. everyone tried to intervene, to keep that from happening, to save us from ourselves, even you&i did. but we couldnt avoid it. i miss you. i miss you all the time. its been so long now, that i dont know you anymore, and you dont know me. but there was a time. no one has EVER made me laugh as hard as you did. i had one of the roughest years of my life last year, and your comedic relief was honestly a life saver. and you were right. ive always gotten what i wanted, and maybe it was time for that to change. and i couldnt handle it. ive never had anybody actually walk out on me forever, ive never actually had anybody abandon me, but its always been my greatest fear. im still getting over you abandoning me. i dont think about you everyday, i dont even think about you every week. but every once in a while that hurt comes back and im upset. im pissed im in pain. i dont mentally know how to deal with the fact that you left me. especially because i begged and begged and pleaded with you not to. but you proved the point that you needed to prove. and you might just have taught me one of the biggest lessons of my life, which is that we really are alone. you might think you cant live without someone, but youre wrong. we are all alone, and no one else can save you from yourself. maybe thats cynical and sad, but its true, and you know what? last year you were cynical and sad, and i could never fix you. i just made it worse i guess. but i tried i really did. you broke my heart. you broke it to the point that im still not the same. and i never thought you would affect me like that. i gave you way too much power over me, and unfortunately i never made that clear. the shitty thing is, ive never had more fun with anyone, ever. i mean that. except for maybe james, i have never had as many good times with anyone in my life. we always had fun, always. maybe we were both in so much pain all the time that we had to have fun, real fun. i dont know. but i do truly miss all the laughter you gave me. ive always said that the best people in my life, the ones ill never forget, are the ones who can truly make me laugh. you know ive experienced pain deeper than anyone should ever have to, and you always brought me out of my head and gave me the gift to able to be happy, actually honestly happy, and that is a huge fucking accomplishment.
alex!
ahhhh yeah you get an exclamation point because thats how you exist to me. i just get so stoked everytime i get to hang out with you and see you and have fun with you. and when i get pissed at you i just get so fucking pissed! hahahhaa. that car ride home, when brett was just yelling at you to leave me alone because i was obviously going crazy, or seattle hahahha oh seattle... there was a time when we had the biggest love hate relationship going on. but its all love now. like bubba, you were my friend at first because of brett, and now youve been my friend in spite of him. youre one of the very few people here that i know loves me and cares about me. youve always been mature enough and smart enough to see past the drama of the moment to what really matters, which is true friends. (somehow even though everyone teases you for being dumb, alex you are not fucking dumb, and i have never thought you were ever. brett always told me to be really careful about calling you an idiot or retarded or something, even if i was just making a joke, and i think somewhere along the way he forgot his own rule.) we always have a good time and im really really really going to miss you. youve always been your own person, done what you wanted to do, didnt worry too much about what everyone else thinks is cool, and you have taught me so much about just being yourself even if its not good enough for some people. i love you. you are one of the most genuinely nice good people on this earth. youre just truly amazing.
darby.
well shit darbalarb. i can only thank brett for you being my friend. i know that sounds really random, but if he hadnt started abandoning me, i would have never tried to make friends at gonzaga, and i would have never invited you to the ugly dress party and gone to volleyball games at gonzaga because i was alone and lonely and bored and he wouldnt hang out with me. i love you. i would hug you all the time everyday but i dont want to scare you. i know without a doubt that you will be my friend for the rest of my life. i cant really miss you in spokane because youre not here anyway, but for the last 5 months there has been such a void without you here. i know youre changing your life over there in italy, and i cant wait to meet the new and improved dumbledarb. its just super awesome to have you in my life and to know youre not gonna go anywhere. i have that stability with about 5 people, and im fucking extremely lucky to have you on that list. you are such an amazing girl and you have made things so much better for me, you have no idea. trust that i will be back here for your 21run, trust that i will wear whatever you want me to wear, trust that i will come back for graduation for anything you want me to. trust that i am coming to stay on your ranch in montana and eating more food with your dad. no one loves food as much as we do! oh man.
hannah.
hmmmm hannah. i cared about you a lot, and took care of you a lot. but i could never cheer you up, i could never make you happy. nothing was ever good enough. but we had so much fun when we had fun. and we did crazy shit and didnt care about anyone else or especially what the fuck dumb shit they thought about us. kokanee soccer, sitting for hours at senor froggys, anything involving crudup, hahaha. i dont know. i dont know what went wrong with you, i dont know why you made the decisions you did. i hope youre happier now, but something tells me youre not. i told jeremiah to give you another chance, and i sometimes wonder if without that, things would be the way they are.
kristin.
no one has pissed me off or made me laugh as much as you kristin. i disagree with almost everything you do, and yet for some reason i still wanna be in on every bad decision you make hahahaha. that apartment was ours, this summer was our summer. we had fun every single fucking day just doing whatever the fuck we wanted. and we pissed everyone off. oh god remember the night ryan emery kept calling you michelle or something???? hahahaha. or every night you guys stayed up with eric blake. hahahahaha. anything involving killer. me trying to keep you and j from killing each other. nights on the balcony chain smoking, and every trip to walmart. i miss you so much. fuck redding move somewhere sweet, and not far away, like new york, so i can visit. and never owe me money again k?
erik.
whew erik anderson. i dont even know how that ended up happening, but i love that we both always knew it was never gonna work out so we just enjoyed what we had while we had it. and we had a lot of fun. i love that you let me actually dance with you to trance, and put down your bass, just for me, cuz you knew how much i wanted to. our trip to the C, and cda when jeremiah and hannah were holding hands and we were like "wtf we dont even hold hands". hounddog, crudup, oh crudup always trying to sleep in the bed with us. i loved our late night talks, i think we stayed up past 4am every single night of the summer just talking. i think we both know more about each other than most other people in our lives and that is awesome. im always here for you if you need anything, and let me know when you get that name change so i dont lose track of you!
travis.
travis ive told you everyday everything you would ever need to hear from me. but im gonna repeat some things youve said to me, maybe that'll help explain why i am absolutely positive that no one has ever tried to understand me and succeeded in such a short amount of time as you. you have been my BEST friend the last 4 months, and though everything might change in the next few weeks i refuse to give that up. anyway here are a few little snippets from you to me:
'your the old dude and i'm a million little confused particles...INSPIRE ME'
'then someone can come along and change your perspective because they see the you inside somehow, and they actually believe in you.'
'i really feel like i'm getting you now, kinda like i have a huge pile of puzzle pieces that i'm finally getting around to assembling. i know you genuinely care, look at the big picture, shrug at the stupid things people always take so personal, you live your life NOW, but this is all barring you from that. don't, you haven't done a damn thing wrong, you are just much more aware than most. i mean you make close friends easier than anyone i've ever seen.
don't stop.
people die everyday. and i mean you almost did die a month ago.
people need to stop treating you like shit for being you and they are all already aware of how YOU ARE AND THAT'S WHY THEY LIKE YOU.
i don't think people realize this.
i always argued with you just because you are always so sure about everything, i used to hate that, and i used to hate you because you are so open with everyone, and etc...basically i used to hate on the same points i love about you.
like a really pointless battle right?'
ryan.
maybe ryan, if you hadnt died, youd only be getting a shoutout, or maybe if you hadnt died, you would still be right here, one of the most important people. you taught me so much, and long before you died. you were there for me, you trusted me, you believed in me, and you always really liked me, for me. and goddammit you did the best run and jump hugs ever. no one has ever been able to catch me and spin me without missing a beat. your stupid laugh your stupid smile. all the stupid parties you forced me to have by bringing random ass people over, and introducing me to some of the best fucking people i have ever had the chance to get to know. so much love was spread around just because of you. everytime im back in spokane, the crash site will be one of the very first places i go. your flying somewhere else now, but i know we will see each other out there. i know it.
shoutouts go to:
avey.
my first spokane friend. my first zumiez friend. one of the funniest happiest people i know. craziest too. i always worry about you and what messes you are getting into but i know you got it dude.
nicole.
always a good time with this girl, whether its been at the bars or at a show or whatever. i hope you love married bliss (haha) and spain and come back to see us all soon!
elmore.
oh ty ty. youve always been there. always telling me random ass things. best bulletin poster ever i have to say. silliest friend i have..
gattman.
i dont know about you dude. i never have. but im pretty sure no matter what happens youll always be my friend and i dont really know why, but thats just how we are. youre there for me as often as you fuck with me, so it all evens out i guess.
glinski.
i have honestly enjoyed talks with you more than 95% of random ass people here. i hope someday i get to meet you on an awesome travel and we will go some amazing place together because we have talked about it too much not to.
ben.
everyone always told me that i was the first girl they had ever seen you talk to besides your mom or sister. everyone always told me that they had never even really seen you have a conversation with someone until i made you talk to me all the time. you are insane and completely ridiculous but we have always been buds and thats been awesome. im so proud of you and the life you have now, even if no one gets to see you, because you have achieved way more than we thought you would by this point in your life. you got it ben.
brynja.
this girl fucking took care of me tough in germany and italy. i probably would have been shipped off to the looney bin for reals if it werent for her. and shes beautiful. extremely.
andrew lasseter.
hahahaha oh man. two words. TRIVIA NIGHT.
mike.
mike lincoln you little son of a bitch. you creeped on me. i wanted to care about you, i always told brett, all the time, im gonna be mikes friend, im gonna be there for him. and i hope to shit that i have succeded. i love being called mom hahahaha. i love that i could be your go to advice girl. i love that you were able to lean on me in a time when you felt abandonded by your oldest friends. i love that you stood up for me and said what you knew was right. its people like you that the world really needs more of. you & alex man, you stood by me and stuck up for me, and it meant more than you could even imagine. youre such a good guy, like a truly nice guy, and i hope you get everything you deserve.
crudup.
stop texting me. seriously. i will never buy you food. thank you for always wanting to talk about the drama with me ahah.
jeremiah.
oh jerms. we had a really good time this summer. every stupid afternoon at the viking with our fries and tartar. all the amazing advice you gave me. i wouldnt be who i am right now without that, honestly. you helped me figure out so much about where i was going and what i wanted to do and who i wanted there wiht me. losing you to your relationship with hannah sucked, but as always i just wanted you to be happy and i know you are. you wouldnt do it if you werent so im really honestly so happy for you guys. but i miss you.
phoebe.
oh phoebs louise, ive probably had the lowest lows and the highest highs with you in one year. i really really didnt like you, and now i honeslty LOVE YOU SO FUCKING MUCH. you better move that cute lil ass over to seattle and live with me in march or ill be so pissed. i think you and i have both grown up a lot over the year, and realized a lot about each other and i RESPECT the shit out of you. we are both misunderstood and i have had the most amazing time beginning to get to know you. we have definately not had enough time drinking or talking. so get the fuck out of cheney nerdface.
peter.
petronik the funkaholic you are awesome! seriously you are just one the greatest chillest dudes out there. i will be back for graduation&barter fair and i know it will be awesome. every amazing rosauers beer run we did and all the times i made you feel so incredibly awkward with my lap dances. im gonna miss you jewfro so you better come visit me for sweet shows and shit yeah?
emily.
oh gurrrrrllllll. our make out sessions are always hot, and the understanding we had the day after ryan died has not gone away. ive always tried to be something different for you, not one of the guys, and when we both really needed someone you were there. youre beautiful even if you dont see it yet, you are. youre fucking sexy as shit, so stop doubting yourself and start respecting that shit. you better come visit me soon too, ok?
aaron.
ok aaron i thought you were the biggest douchebag the first time i met you and i told travis&ryan as much everytime they asked if you could come over. but i never said no, because they always told me to give you a chance and i am so fucking glad i did. you are hilarious. i love when you just start ranting about the most random shit ever. yeah dude.
kelsey.
we have not had enough time at all. i know you wlll be coming to visit me all the time and i know that we have so much left to experience and enjoy together. i am hyped on you girl! we have way more in common than i think either of us figured we would and i love being able to just talk about the dumb shit thats happening with you.
ok so yeah, im out of here on friday guys,
so lets hang please please please k?
get a real job
keep the wind at your back and the sun on your face
all the immediate unknowns
are better than knowing this tired and lonely fate
No comments:
Post a Comment